Parents, Stop: Lessons in Letting Go
Parenting a teenager can feel like balancing on a tightrope. On one side is the desire to protect and ensure their success; on the other is the need to let them grow, make mistakes, and learn independence. As the college years draw near, the stakes feel higher, and many parents instinctively lean toward controlling the process. But here’s the hard truth: if we don’t let go, our kids won’t be ready to thrive once they leave home.
Here are three big reminders for parents preparing their children for college and beyond:
1. Let Your Child Fail—and Grow From It
Failure isn’t a sign that you’ve done something wrong as a parent—it’s a normal, healthy part of growing up. Think back to when your child first learned to ride a bike. You probably ran alongside for the first few wobbly tries, but eventually you had to let go. They fell, maybe scraped a knee, and cried a little. But they also got back up, tried again, and learned to balance.
High school and college work the same way. A forgotten homework assignment, a missed curfew, or even a disappointing test score teaches lessons that no amount of parental reminding can replace. These small failures build resilience, time-management skills, and problem-solving abilities.
Tip for parents: Before rushing in to “fix” something for your child—pause. Ask yourself, what lesson might they learn if I step back? Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let the mistake play out.
2. Guide—Don’t Micromanage
It’s natural to want to smooth the path for your child, especially when it comes to something as intimidating as the college process. But there’s a big difference between guiding and micromanaging.
- Guiding looks like asking open-ended questions: “What do you like about this college?” or “How do you see yourself balancing school and a job?”
- Micromanaging looks like filling out applications for them, rewriting their essays, or controlling their schedules down to the hour.
The problem with micromanagement is that it robs students of ownership. When they don’t have to make their own decisions—or deal with the consequences—they arrive at college underprepared for independence.
Tip for parents: Treat the college process as practice for adulthood. Encourage your student to set deadlines, make appointments, and do the research. Be a sounding board, not the driver.
3. Be Realistic About College Costs
Here’s a myth that stubbornly lingers: “If my child just works hard enough in the summer, they can pay for college.” That might have been true a generation or two ago, but it’s not today. The average cost of tuition, fees, and living expenses has far outpaced what a summer job—or even a part-time job during the school year—can cover.
Summer earnings are important, but they usually go toward books, transportation, or personal spending money—not tuition. Expecting your student to cover significant tuition costs alone will almost always lead to frustration.
Tip for parents: Have honest conversations about money early and often. Discuss what the family can contribute, what’s expected of the student, and how scholarships, grants, and financial aid fit into the picture. When everyone understands the financial reality, the college decision becomes much clearer.
Final Thought: Step Back So They Can Step Up
Parenting in the teen years is less about controlling outcomes and more about preparing your child for the next stage of life. By letting them fail (safely), guiding instead of micromanaging, and being open about the financial side of college, you’re setting them up for success far beyond the classroom.
It’s not always easy to loosen the reins—but remember, college isn’t just about academics. It’s about growing into an independent, capable adult. And that growth begins the moment you stop doing everything for them and start letting them do more on their own.
